A Joyous Arrival

Jeff and I are happy to announce the arrival of our daughter Marli Roz Edwin!

Birthday: April 19, 2011
Time of Birth: 3:12 p.m.
Weight: 8 pounds 2 ounces
Length: 19 inches long

The delivery was smooth with her at  full term, and I somehow managed a natural delivery with little stress. Our Childbirthing classes paid off in terms of learning relaxing techniques!

Like any mother, she's absolutely beautiful and now home in my arms.  Her brothers have visited her already, and are as proud as us! It has been a beautiful time, and now I intend to relish in every aspect of it. I'm so lucky for this pregnancy to have gone off without a hitch, and I truly know how blessed I am. Marli is my miracle baby, and I truly believe she changed my life for the better.

Baby Update: Third Trimester, Week 33

I see now why they say the second trimester is the one in which the mother feels the best. I am starting to feel fatigued from the extra weight on my front side, but everyone talks about how I just glow. This I can believe: Between my acne and my smile, there is certainly something going on with my face.

This week with the baby:

• She's pretty much fully developed with all organs matured except for lungs and brain. These last few weeks are crucial to continued growth in these areas.
• She's been very active in the womb, so much so that her father has felt her kicking a few times.
• She's even had hiccups!
• Her weight is at about four pounds. 

This week for me:

• I'm definitely fatigued, but am still going to yoga and swimming weekly to stay healthy.
• I've been going to my classes and learning as much as I possible can. I'll soon be certified for doing CPR on infants!
•  My cravings for Cheerios has subsided, and been replaced by a food aversion to blue Kool-Aid. I've nearly tossed my cookies when a few of my artist friends drank that stuff down during an art party.
• I've contacted a babysitter to help me out after the baby is born on an as-needed basis. Her name is Rebecca Prince, and her hourly fee is $15. 
• As previously mentioned, my hormonal craziness has brought on a bit of acne. So, not only do I feel like a whale, but I feel like an ugly whale. But, I just look at it as a humble sacrifice for my girl.
• I'm starting to feel uncomfortable at night.
• When I feel the baby kick, I can tell if it's an elbow or a knee. And, sometimes it's strong enough to make me hunch over.
• She also likes to treat my bladder like a trampoline.
• I've been surprised at the cost of doctors appointments: Every trip to Dr. Sellers, which will be like 15 or so total, cost $133 on average--tests included.
• We've made a natural birth plan to try my hardest to reject pain medication while in the hospital, just as I did with my first two. 
• I finished setting up the nursery, after making a few final purchases at ToysRUs.

 

I can't believe how fast this time has moved. This baby has been my own personal rebirth: Not only do I feel like a young mother again, only wiser, but I have a renewed vigor for learning and living in the present.

I look forward to raising this baby, like teaching her to paint her nails or ballet dance. I can't wait to put big bows in her hair and dress her in dresses. I even look forward to the day that I can teach her about sex, unlike my experience with my mother. And, though I will be in my fifties before she's even in high school, I have a feeling that this baby girl will keep me young.

This is something that French Polynesia could have never provided me.

Nesting

I have happily now waltzed my way into the third trimester. My bump is pronounced, and I've started  wearing my maternity purchases without feeling like I couldn't fill the extra space out. The doctors appointments, now weekly, have been constantly good news: Nothing seems out of the ordinary, and she keeps growing at a healthy rate. 

Honestly, I am on cloud nine.

So, the last few months have been dedicated to intense nesting. We've been prepping the nursery with paint, furniture, and necessities. Because this is not our first baby, we've refused baby showers by friends and insisted that they donate to the March of Dimes in our names rather then buy gifts. This has really put the pressure on us to provide, which we happily do with shopping trips of our would-be French Polynesia funds.

Right after we found out the sex of our baby girl, we went right ahead to buying furniture. Like my daydream from earlier in the pregnancy, after first finding out that my life was about to change forever, I went to ToysRUs to pick up the furniture I had been admiring after my visit with Dr. Dobbs.  Jeff and I knew this would be a pricey trip, but we happily accepted that the versatility of buying a convertible crib, bookcase, and most of the furnishings for the nursery. That eased our minds for paying so much. Here's the receipt:

 

 Since then, I have been accumulating the basics from less expensive stores like Target and Wal-Mart. I almost forgot how to dress a wee one! I found myself actually having to read tags of clothing items to remember what was meant for sleep or play. And to shop for a girl is a new experience all in itself! The ruffles and rich pinks and purples make clothing shopping a rich experienced compared to the days of pastel blue and pink. That, and the supplies for a newborn is now so vast! But, because of my prenatal classes at the hospital, I was able to make quality decisions without feeling stressed. Here are the receipts from those trips:

And, here is the receipt from Target:

So, I think it goes without saying that the last few weeks have been dedicating to preparing all of this stuff for the big arrival. It's a labor of love, and I'm enjoying ever minute of it. I've even painted a mural on the nursery wall to match the poppy theme from the bedding! It feels good to give such a special gift to my baby by giving her my artistic expression.


Just call me "Momma Bird".

All About Sex

My baby will be an exhibitionist, because shyness doesn't to seem to be part of HER character.

That's right! We're having a baby girl!!

Legs spread wide, Dr. Sellers found her little rosebud almost instantly during our 20-week ultrasound. I couldn't be more amazed. Here I was, alone at the doctor's office, staring at something that truly seemed foreign to me. A mother of boys in my early life, now it seemed like a complete 180 to believe that I would have a to trek into the unfamiliar territory of raising a girl. I couldn't be more excited.

Because Jeff couldn't join me, I decided to surprise him. I went to ToysRUs/BabiesRUs and found some of baby items: A pink blanket, a pink turtle, a pink outfit, everything screamed GIRL! 

 

I drove home, wrapped the pink items in a tan gift bag with white tissue paper, and set it on his the side table where he usually threw his keys after coming into the house. Patiently waiting, I eagerly ran to the window every time I heard a car. Then, at 5:30 p.m. on the dot, his Toyota Highlander pulled into the driveway. I stationed myself in the kitchen, and waited to hear his reaction.

Three steps in the door, he saw the present and dropped his keys on the floor. He knew exactly what it was. 

"Can I open it, Babe?"

"Please do!"

He tore into that gift like it was Christmas. Then, he stopped. Pink turtle in hand, he let out a crazy laugh.

Needless to say, we're excited.

Baby Update: Second Trimester, Week Nineteen

Sorry for the neglect, Blog, but real life has been interfering with my documentation. Christmas was a wild time for us. After the announcement of the pregnancy, it seems like we've been in a hustle with friends and family wanting to be more informed as the weeks progress. But, all I can say is that we're a very lucky set of parents to have seen so much love. Our sons are already buying toys for their new sibling. My fellow artist friends are planning on helping me with a belly cast soon, and are even talking about making a key chain out of the umbilical cord. And Jeff has even been given some time off of work during the slow summer months at the university to be with me in the early weeks of the baby's life.

But, as of right now, here is where the baby stands:

• Now nearly 6 inches in length, the baby is continually putting on weight as the organs continue to refine in function. 
• Th skin, though still transparent, is becoming red as the blood vessels continue to grow.
• Vernix has started to develop.
• The baby can make facial expressions.
• The newly developed retinas are sensitive to light.
• The taste buds can now distinguish sweet and bitter flavors
• Hair is forming, including eyebrows and eyelashess.
• The urinary system is now working.
• Basically, the baby is appearing more baby-like and less alien as all systems are beginning to function.
• The reproductive organs are now visible from an ultrasound to determine the sex.

 
As for me:

• My clothing is becoming uncomfortable, even when wearing my looser clothes.
• I have gained about seven pounds.
• I've been eating Cheerios all of the time! Multi-Grain Cheerios are my favorite.
• I've felt a bit more lightheaded, and am learning to move slowly.
• I can actually feel the baby s.quirm around. It feels like fluttering in my stomach
• I've had other small incidents of discomfort, like more heartburn, but nothing that I can't tolerate.
• I'm still reading my books.
• The obstetrician visits with Dr. Sellers are starting to feel routine. He'll throw a few tests my way, check my stats, and tell me that I'm progressing nicely. I certainly don't take this for granted. So far, my Rh is conducive the the baby, the amniocentesis results match the CVS findings, and we are rolling right along.
• For $900, Jeff and I joined Conway Regional Fitness so that I could take my at-home yoga to a new level. There is a special maternity yoga group that I've been attending, and the indoor pool has been nice to soothe my achy boy.
• We've also signed up for a few parenting-related classes through the hospital of our delivery, Baptist Medical Center. For $30, Jeff and I have decided to take a Babysafe CPR class. For the same price, we're taking a Newborn Care refresher class. At $40, I'm taking a Breastfeeding class. (I didn't breastfeed my first two, but now it seems crucial.) And, finally, Jeff and I will take a Childbirthing class for $65. The kind Nurse Abby commended our dedication: We just laughed and told her that we didn't want to be utterly clueless this time around.
• I actually went to go maternity clothes shopping because my bump will soon be in the way. Part of me is sad to see my high heels go back into the closet for awhile, but at least I could buy some adorable flats to make up for it. And, the nice thing about most of these clothes is that it will last me past my pregnancy and into the months after the baby while I lose weight.

 

 
Soon, we should be able to find out the sex of our baby. This is exciting, because with the first two we didn't take the option: We were kind of rebellious back then, and more pleased by surprises. But, now we just want to be prepared. So, we're hoping the wee one won't be so shy in the mid-pregnancy standard ultrasound.

Spreading the Love

My sons are amazing.

Thanksgiving came, and this year we somehow managed to have Jeff's parents and my parents join us for the holiday. The boys came into town, Hyde with a surprise guest of a girlfriend and Jasper with stories of the Dallas art scene. We managed to squeeze everyone into the house for the extended weekend, so it was like a giant family sleepover.


During the entire cooking of Thanksgiving, I was starting to be a nervous mess. I could care less if the deviled eggs looked pretty, or the turkey was brown: My mind was running at 1000 miles a minute over the spreading the news. How would they take it?


The table spread, all of us around the turkey, we dropped the bomb.


Jeff's mom dropped her fork the the floor. My parents started laughing. And, Hyde turned to Jasper with a massive grin.


"Finally, you can't call me the baby anymore!"


It was a nice moment, and I'm happy that everyone reacted with such joy. We explained our story, and everyone ate while recapping their favorite baby stories.


Later that night, Jeff and I pulled Hyde and Jasper aside. We explained to them that our income was different then that of when we had raised them. The two laughed at us.

"Mom, do you really think we'd expect you to not spoil this baby? It's a miracle!"


Have I mentioned that my sons are amazing?

Mind Games

The past two weeks have been a blur of excitement, change, nervousness, and a test on my patience.

Where do I begin?

The week of November 1st, the 10th week of pregnancy, Jeff and I met with genetic counselor Dr. Sarah A. Jackson. Because of my age, she felt it was crucial  for me to know my options on genetic testing. Sitting in her office, holding hands and divulging family conditions, Jeff and I felt relieved that someone was taking such an intimate insight into our pregnancy. After filling her in, Dr. Jackson informed us of the difference between a Chorionic villus sampling test and amniocentesis. 

With CVS testing being the earliest of options, it seemed like Dr. Jackson (and Dr. Sellers) were pushing for this to happen in the next week. Dr. Jackson brought up a few good points: Though it may seem like a riskier test as it's fairly invasive and requires a numbing of the test site, it would be the earliest way for us to know how to move past our concerns of chromosomal defects. With that information, we could either begin to prepare for the health insurance battle of taking care of a baby with extra health needs or move forward with the pregnancy with less concern.

So, we decided in favor of the CVS test.

Later that week, on Friday, we found ourselves in Dr. Sellers office. Jeff, having skipped his lunch hour for the 4:00p.m. appointment, held my hand as we had our first ultrasound.

Through all the drama and irony, numbing pain and frustration, shock and delight, we witnessed a miracle unfold on the black and white monitor: This baby, tiny and barely even noticeable to the untrained eye, had defied so many odds just to make it this far. But, somehow that little heart was pumping along with no concern of how many obstacles it had overcome.

I cried. Jeff teared up. And the ultrasound tech even sat in awe, after we had filled her in on our journey to get here. French Polynesia could never have given us this much satisfaction.

Dr. Sellers completed the ultrasound and prepped me for the CVS test. Jeff sat valiantly at my side, though he is also a needle phobic like me. But, before the amazement of seeing our baby for the first time could wear off, Dr. Sellers was done.

Then, it became a waiting game that tested my mental strength. Part of me wanted to hear the results right away, just to stop over thinking the issue. I kept having panicked dreams that the test results showed nothing whatsoever and that the ultrasound hand lied, like this had been some elaborate hoax to test a gullible woman.It was awful. Then, part of me just never wanted to know the answers until the baby arrived: I kept asking myself what benefit was it to really have all the answers now. Could anything even be done if the test results came back with signs of a genetic defect? Could I really live with the guilt with the news that early on? I kept having mental arguments, time and time again. And, by the way Jeff dove head first into grading classwork, I knew that he was going through the same mind games.

Two days ago we were called with the results.

"Mrs. Edwin, as for right now you are in the clear. Your test results do not show any genetic defects." 


Sweet relief.

Baby Update: First Trimester, Week Nine

A few of my younger friends from the art gallery turned me on to the idea of doing a few developmental updates do document the physicality of the pregnancy. They had done it for their pregnancies and now read back with amazement as to how much they've changed. So, I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

As of October 24th, I started my ninth week of pregnancy. According to WebMD, this week wee one is taking shape to soon become a fetus:

• The little miracle is roughly one inch in height and like a strawberry in size.
• The neck and limbs are becoming stronger, now with movement capabilities.
• It still looks like an alien, but a cute alien.
• Before the end of the first trimester, by week twelve, the alien will be more human like with all set features from reproductive organs to teeth. By then, the baby will be four inches long and carry a weight of a hefty one ounce.

From my own point of view, this week has been about:

• More morning sickness than before, so not exactly a fun time.
• My skinny jeans that were fitting great a month ago are now slowly tightening around me.
• I've gained a total of one half pound, but even then I'm not sure if that's baby-related.
• As of today, I've been craving mustard on Frito chips. It's not a healthy option, so I hope this passes.
• A little bit of heartburn has bothered me late at night, but otherwise I'm good.
• I've finally adjusted to my increased-in-number-for-number-one bathroom visits.
• My moodiness has made my go from crying to singing in as little as two minutes. This has made the Pops a little unnerved, but he still helps me hug it out.
• I've started reading What to Expect When You're Expecting simultaneously with What to Expect: Eating Well When You're Expecting, both by Heidi Murkoff.
• We have an appointment with Dr. Sellers next week to have our first ultrasound, because the pregnancy is of high risk.

Other than that, Jeff and I have been discussing when to tell the boys. With Jasper now living in Dallas for his graphic design job and Hyde in Memphis working as an accountant, we've been able to keep this pregnancy under wraps from them despite our openness with our friends. So, we have to tell them soon. Maybe Thanksgiving will be the most appropriate time? We shall see. But, one thing is for certain: They will be the first of the family to know. My parents and Jeff's parents can wait until after that point. But, hey, if we reveal it at Thanksgiving, they should all be here!

Step One Down a Long Road

Every successful day with a past-35 pregnancy is something to celebrate: I've read some odds of how high miscarriages are in women younger than that, so I'm sometimes baffled by the ease so far of the pregnancy so far. A little bit of morning sickness is about as far as I've gotten, so I'm more than satisfied. But, just a few weeks ago, it felt like no one really wanted to let me celebrate these moments of success-by-survival.

From my personal journal entry on October 10, 2010:

Sometimes I think doctors are too logical for their own happiness, or at least to ever be personable. Meeting my new OB/GYN for my first appointment two days ago should have been a happy moment filled with optimism and excitement. But, I left Dr. Sellers' office feeling almost like a fool for having any enthusiasm for such a risky pregnancy. I even picked Dr. Matthew A. Sellers as my OB/GYN in hopes that his youthfulness would actually make him a bit less rigid and jaded. I may have been wrong.

After driving into Little Rock and waiting in his waiting room at the Cornerstone Clinic for Women, Jeff--wanting to take the day off to join me for support--and I were brought back to meet him. Both of us were excited, having rounded out our decision to stand firm with this pregnancy despite Dr. Dobbs' prior concerns. We held hands as we walked down the hall, excited to get more news on what were now calling the "miracle baby": It was like an echo to how we acted when we first started dating, with that odd breed of optimism that only happens out of a great case of caution thrown to the wind. Unfortunately, the joyfulness kind of trailed off from that point on.

Dr. Sellers is a nice enough guy, don't get me wrong. But, he made it clear from the starting off point that this pregnancy was going to need to be handled with a cautious optimism: My age could not be shrugged off. Because of this, he recommended that I maintain two appointments per month until the pregnancy reached seven months. Then, it would increase from there as he saw fit. He also pointed us in the direction of a genetic counselor to discuss testing options, just to be on the safe side.  It was at this moment that I looked over at Jeff, and could swear I could see dollar signs popping up in his eyes like a slot machine in Vegas. His insurance from UCA, the UnitedHealthcare Choice Plus plan, made sure that doctors visits were between $20-$35. It was the testing that raised his concerns, as he knew that we paid 20% coinsurance with ever test. It was like I could read his mind: Was all of this really necessary?


Dr. Sellers reminded us, again, of the risks as if to read our minds. Chromosomal defects seemed like the key-phrase of the visit, just like Sesame Street's key word segment. 


The conversation continue as he told us the due date to be April 29, 2011. He stressed the importance of prenatal vitamins, especially folic acid. I told him I was already on the ball with that, at least. He reminded me that my weight gain should not be excessive, that I should be eating as healthy as possible, and I should be maintaining a weekly low-impact workout. He ran through the list of what I can't have, the bad symptoms to feel, and the unfortunate reality that my clip had in fact slipped from my tubal ligation. But, on a lighter note, he reminded us of the value of sex and that made Jeff smirk.


Then, he went on to do a physical exam, pelvic exam, draw blood, and make me pee in a cup for urinalysis. I guess with that sentiment, and my fear of needles, it isn't surprising that this doctors visit wasn't living up to my idyllic scene of joyful celebration of this miracle pregnancy. But, it was good to know that he has the baby's best interest at heart.


So, the past two days, Jeff and I have been discussing the future. The first appointment with Dr. Sellers at least made the situation a crystal clear reality. We, again, agreed to use the vacation savings on the prenatal costs. We decided to set aside any money from my paintings and $500 from Jeff's monthly income to prepare for baby's first year and a college fund. We also decided that, since I am work-at-home artist, that it would be essential that we find a good babysitter for incidents that call me away for short spurts. And, we discussed the importance of finding some friends with babies to start building a community for the baby to associate with as he/she won't have siblings like Hyde and Jasper.


And, with that discussion, I decided to prepare myself with some reading matterial. I picked up the modern-day baby Bible, What to Expect When You're Expecting, and a few other reads by the same author on nutrition and the first year. I also grabbed some Mozart-for-babies CDs, as cheesy as that is. My defense is that it was on sale, and I'm a fan of Mozart anyway. Here's the receipt:

 

So, with a little help from books and doctors, it feels like I'm finally getting into the swing of being baby mama again. This is going to be a long road, just as Dr. Sellers continually reminded us, but every road can be walked with simply one foot in front of the other. And that small accomplishment is enough for me to celebrate, even if it is just that that the baby will soon start to look like a lizard instead of a tadpole.

A Healthy Review

After that last post, I can't help but feel some relief. There is something very cathartic in rehashing emotions, as if every time you feel the symphony of sensation it becomes a little duller and more tolerable. Plus, I've had a few friends--now readers--that have really responded to my openness. It has began an engaging conversation about later-in-life pregnancies. So, in the same spirit as my first post, here is my personal review of my trip to see our family doctor--Dr. John Dobbs--to confirm my First Response results.

From my personal journal entry on September 24, 2010:

I went to see Dr. Dobbs yesterday. It's never my favorite place to be, sitting in his waiting room with it's frank smell of sterility and DumDum pops. Normally, I avoid it at all costs with turning to more natural or holistic remedies for any illness that comes my way. But, Jeff and I needed an official "you're pregnant" so I made the appointment. And, a day after I had, I found myself sitting in the sterile waiting room three seats away from a coughing man and one seat away from an ancient edition of Fit Pregnancy magazine. I was numb.


When Nurse Nancy called my name, using my full "Lydia" instead of "Dia", I almost didn't hear her. My focus had been on the Fit Pregnancy magazine cover. The cover model, bump poking out from under a wrap dress, hardly looked to be 23 years old. Despite the fact that I had been younger than that with my first two pregnancies, I couldn't help but look at her with a disgust to her youth. It took the nurse three times before I finally recognized that it was my turn.


By the time Dr. Dobbs made it to the room, I was really missing Jeff's support. Back at work, despite taking a sick day earlier in the week, I couldn't help but be thankful for his emotional support. I wish he had been there to see the look on Dr. Dobbs' face after I had explained myself and shown him the First Response tests: He couldn't decide if he could maintain professionalism with a straight face or break out into a giggle. His expression landed somewhere between a smirk on his lips with an intense seriousness in his eyes before he sat down on his wheeled stool to have a heart-to-heart.


He explained the horrors that come along with past-35 pregnancy: Chromosomal defects, like Down Syndrome, had higher chances for this baby because of the age of my ovum and Jeff's aging genitalia. Before he went any further to test me for an official "yes", he made it clear that this was going to be a risky pregnancy that I might want to reconsider.

He couldn't even finish his sentence without me busting out with, "I'm keeping it!" With that, he began to swab my arm with alcohol to prep me for a quantitative blood test. 


One sore arm and $20 lighter, I just went for a drive. My mind was racing on his warnings. What would Jeff and I do to care for a Down Syndrome baby? How would it be different then a healthy pregnancy? Would Jeff have to stay employed beyond his retirement at UCA to keep the health insurance?


I also couldn't help but wonder if maybe Dr. Dobbs' test would come back negative. Even thinking that made my heart sting, though: Despite all of the changes, the drama, and the feelings, I had already become attached to the idea of being a mother reborn.


Somehow, before I knew it, the roads had led me out of Conway and into Little Rock. I found myself turning into the BabiesRUs parking lot. 


ToysRUs and BabiesRUs had been such a foreign place with my first two kids: It was the store we'd go to for big treats like Christmas presents or, rarely, a birthday gift. We couldn't really afford to go to Little Rock to shop there, back then, let alone afford the prices. With Hyde and Jasper, Wal-Mart was pretty much our only in-Conway option for kids' stuff that we could afford on Jeff's gallery assistant income. But, this new baby lived in a different time.


Jeff, now the chair of the Art Department at UCA, had worked his way up to a nice salary. Between his income and my sales of my paintings, we now fell into the 6-figure income category. This is a far cry from what we had with Hyde and Jasper. So, maybe I could finally get to shop in nicer places for this baby, at least some of the time.


I wandered through the store with an awe for how much everything had changed: The packaging was brighter, the toys could practically educate a toddler to anything, and the baby clothes were no longer frilly or screamed "BABY" in the fabric designs. The cribs could become toddler beds and the mattresses were mini name-brands. 


It was like I had walked into the latest Mattell version of Candyland after living in the Gum Drop Forest of my 1990's edition of the game for so many years. I drooled over the changes, and couldn't wait to treat this baby to everything I had so wished I could have provided for Jasper and Hyde. Knowing that we were intent on using that $12,000 vacation savings, and only that much, on the baby's first year, I couldn't help but start eyeballing nice furniture pieces and cute bedding sets. I had to keep reminding myself that we didn't even have the doctor's official "yes" yet.


But, I knew. I knew in my heart already.


So, I walked out of that store with a newborn-sized, neutral gender sleep gown. Here's the receipt, just for the sake of memory lane:

 

I made my way home with a renewed vigor: No matter what, defects or not, this baby was something that I felt was meant to be. For the odds to be so far against it, I couldn't help but already be it's biggest fan. It was a big change from being numb that morning, but it just felt right.


And, by the way, this morning Dr. Dobbs' office called. We are officially confirmed as pregnant.

Life Pre-Planned

As word has been spreading about the little surprise Jeff and I unexpectedly cooked up, people keep asking how on Earth I am able to manage with such shocking news. Most of the time, I just laugh it off and shrug my shoulders as I just say some cliched expression like "that's life" or "I just roll with the punches". But, in all brutal honesty, my shock has had deep resonance: I went from being a 44-year-old young mother of two sons fresh out of college with plans of now traveling the world with my husband to instantly becoming a 44-year-old old "is-that-your-grandma" mother with my travel budget now turning into the "baby" savings after my clips slipped on my now failed tubal ligation. It's a drastic change, to put it lightly, and it's still a journey to accept the changes. But, to better answer everyone's nagging questions, I can at least share a bit of my feelings the day that I found out that a life pre-planned is not life as you will know it.


From my personal journal entry on September 20, 2010:


So, here I am, at 2:00 AM in front of my laptop, the light glaring into my watering eyes as I sit in the dark listening to Jeff snore in the bed beside me. Where do I even begin? How can I even explain myself on this one? 


I took a pregnancy test today. Yes, at 44-years-old with a tubal ligation in my past and two college graduates for sons, I found myself in Walgreens buying a pregnancy test. I even ran into one of Jeff's associates and had to dart into the next aisle just to cover my tracks. I didn't want anyone to think I was an idiot, because the odds really did seem against my little inkling of a feeling. It had been 22 years since last having that inkling, back when I was first pregnant with Hyde, but once you experience that sensation it is impossible to forget it. So, hoping to just shut my mind up, I grabbed a First Response test the moment Jeff's co-worker walked out of the store and darted to the register. 


Jeff wasn't home today. He had left me alone to go visit a few downtown art galleries with a travel agent buddy of his. While I was peeing on a stick, Jeff was talking to his buddy about a once-in-a-lifetime French Polynesian adventure for the summer to the tune of a bargain $12,000. The ritziest hotel, with the biggest over-the-water bungalow the place had to offer, spa-days every day....Jeff and I had talked about it the day before. It was going to be a celebration, for finally having raised our boys to be out on their own with full time jobs and diplomas to boot. And, it was going to be the first real vacation that we had ever had. It wouldn't be a family vacation to go see my parents in Texas, or a two-day trip to Branson: It was going to be the first time Jeff and I would travel the world. We had been building at saving for it all year long. When I'd sell a painting, the full wad of cash would go into the vacation savings. Every month, Jeff would take $500 of his salary to set aside for the trip. We stopped going out to eat as often. And, Jeff even canceled our cable television just to cut costs that we could add to our vacation fund! Yesterday, we had been daydreaming about how this vacation would be like what we had originally dreamed of back when we first started dating in my Freshman year of college--just before we conceived Jasper and had to rearrange our plans.


It's amazing how life repeats itself.

Finished with my business, I put the tab on the end of the pee stick and set the test on the bathroom counter. Scoffing at my own pathetic idiocy, I left the room to go sit in front of the television: I was trying to ignore the mind game I was trying to put myself through. There was NO WAY that test could be positive! My tubal ligation from ten years ago had kept, time and time again proving me not pregnant month after month. Why now? What on Earth was I so jittery about? To think that a single feeling, a minor inkling, could steer me to such drastic and improbable conclusions made me almost ashamed of myself. So, I sat in front of the television in utter denial: I had not just taken a pregnancy test, I was not going to play mind games, and I was just being overly sensitive.


The television clicked on with A Baby Story playing on TLC. I almost screamed.


Having had enough, I turned off the t.v. and marched myself into the bathroom. I'd just have to PROVE to myself that I was being stupid. So, after minutes of fretting, I picked up the pee stick.


Two pink lines changed my life.


The rest is a blur. I cried, a lot. The test ended up on the floor, me with it. And, that is where Jeff found me when he came home that afternoon. Soon, he too was on the floor in tears.

What happened? I just don't understand. I've raised my sons. What are they going to say?! "OH great, the moment we leave, Mom and Dad replace us with Edwin Baby 2.0?"  And, mercy, most of our income is going toward retirement now, but what is going to happen to that? This just ruins Jeff's shot at retiring! He's already been counting the days until he can leave the Art Department at UCA to come home and do his own art full time!!


How could I have let this happen?


P.S. I lied. Jeff isn't snoring, but he sure is trying to fake it for me.